Jokes I heard on Laugh USA: XM Radio

NOTE: LaughUSA never indicates what comedian said what joke, but all these jokes aren't mine, and are quoted.

(1) "My wife and I bond the most when we go on road trips. I get together all the snacks, maps, and she takes the naps."

(2) "If something good happens to me, I usually wait two weeks to tell people. I like to use the word fortnight." 

(3) "My nephew has HDADD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. When he pays attention, it's phenomenal."

(4) "I'm a writer and am going to get published soon, but am not published yet. I work with a lot of publishers.'' SOME GUY GOES, "Where do you work?' 'Barnes N Noble."'

(5) "I just got out of the hospital; I was in a speed reading accident. A book mark came out of no where; it was flying."